intentions...

this very well might be my first sober post...   instead i am wrapping up what i imagine is my eighth cup of coffee.    at any point of writing this i might burst out in song and dance do laps around the city.

im not huge on new years resolutions.  its a time where people have every intention of changing, talk a whole lot of game, and continue to sit on their asses.   but their intentions are good!

the new year is a good time, however, to reflect on the past 365 days. 

so as i reflect, i have come to the conclusion that...and i think my dad said it best when i was home for christmas... i need to "have my head examined".   (followed by laughter in the crowd of people who know me best, my family)   im pretty sure they found it funny cause they found it true.   

what have i learned the past year?   well, i have learned that although my intentions are good, if you dont follow thorough, intentions really dont mean shit.  

i have learned about myself that i jump in head fucking first.   i follow my heart 100%.  

(and yes, i am speaking mostly of relationships)

im going to wrap up 2010 with a big fucking apology to all the men affected by my "good intentions".      i am sincerely so sorry.   

so lets raise our glasses to 2011.   to keeping it fucking real.   thinking about the consequences of my actions before i jump in head fucking first.     still following my heart, but considering the other parties involved.  to good intentions leading to good results.  

and to making sure to live and love every fucking day.    not taking anything for granted.  

ive got a good feeling about 2011.   let's let it ride. 

  

if i believe in karma..... someday i am due for an epic fucking heartbreak.    

boo-hoo

ugh, my recent posts have been quite annoying...

attitude adjustment!

i will admit to having been in a creative rut... when the day-to-day becomes so repetitive, i begin to go a little crazy.  so last week my sister (who resides in ATL) and i booked trips to meet up in boston.   tomorrow!  both of us have never been, so why not??!

just the spontaneous booking of the trip was a natural high... as soon as i submitted my payment i felt what might be similar to what a drug user feels after he/she shoots up.  ok, that's a little dramatic.   but i painted shortly after.  

ive also been breaking up my norm b&w oils on wood with trying some illustrative work.  

as well as stencil work... that was quite a rush!  

well im not sure exactly what the city of boston will inspire... 

cheers!

i often wonder what it would be like if life were simpler.   (more than likely, what i imagine, is no less complicated than what i think mine is... stuck in my head)  perhaps less people might get hurt?  what if i knew what i wanted, could settle down, have a 9-5, reproduce, make my parents happy, grandparents happy...  

there must be a reason i am not... not that i haven't had the opportunity...  at 28, i can't yet imagine the scenario stated earlier.        

instead i sit here.   puppy running into me as he chases his tail.   listening to a french woman sing no words  i recognize, my third glass of wine after i cooked myself dinner.   my night awaits more wine and foreign thriller/horror films in netflix now.        i am content.   i love not knowing what can happen next.  

woops.

woops.

i drank a bottle of wine.

Test: mobile blog??

listening to the blues.

attempt to write.

in a sketchbook of mine, i found some chicken scratch that i expressed with a sober mind from earlier this year.  

if i'm good at anything, it's over-thinking...  

normally i cannot express myself verbally, in turn my portfolio of screaming or crying women and sarcastic remarks about monotony.  

it reads this:

people come in and out of your life.

always have, always will.

with an undeniable force, a powerful force. 

like the universe sent them. 

remember that feeling?

you might have had several...

if you're lucky.

is it possible to meet that "force" and feel that force with one person?

forever?

or like they have come in and out of our lives in the past...

will what you think is THE force eventually be gone as well?

or is it someday you make a conscious decision to deny all other forces for one?

and/or after you've made this conscious decision does the universe stop throwing those forces at you? 

does the universe recognize marriage licenses? 

maybe the force you find repels all other forces?

the next page read:

day 4.   (of not drinking, mind you)

post-bikram yoga-clear-mind.

i've come to the conclusion that there's a reason many artists are such boozers, etc.  it sedates our constant over-analyzing of everything.  i am mentally exhausted.  

well there you have it.  i want a glass of wine.

"Imaginaire" @ Gallery Provocateur 8.21.10

This past Saturday was the opening reception of "Imaginaire" at Gallery Provocateur in Chicago.  I was lucky to show with such a great group of artists.

Thanks to all who made it out!

Here is my "Monotony" series next to the beautiful work of Jay Trembly.

should i feel guilty for being happy?

nearly 10 months after my move to chicago, i sit in my new studio after an intense session working on a new face, and a third of a bottle of wine.  

im reflecting on the past 10 months. 

they have been perhaps the most incredible ups and downs of my almost 28 years.  

it was about a year ago now, i said "fuck it, im moving to chicago".

perhaps the best decision i have ever made.  no, definitely the best decision i have ever made.

.....actually, not getting married when i was 22 was the best decision i ever made.... moving to chicago was the 2nd best decision i ever made.

and it turns out i even finally learned how to spell the word "definitely".  this blog is the first time spell check as not been stumped on my attempt to spell that god damned word.

so i sit here now, with a slight white wine buzz, and deadlines...  

should i feel guilty about being happy?  

i decided a long time ago that my maturity level is about 7 years behind people my age that i grew up with.  

im ok with it 

side-note: 

*...to add a disclaimer to my last post, how i made it sound so easy.  poof! im perfectly happy and i dont need anyone.  im still working on that.  at least the result is perhaps an interesting painting.  

time.

...does not feeling lonely anymore mean.... you're fine with being alone again?  finally. 

drinking alone

...avoiding amateur hour tonight.

(thank god for spell check, 2 out of the 4 first words of the blog were spelled wrong)

red wine, dark chocolate covered edamame, and wireless internet.  perfect saturday night.

as a drink slinger/babysitter/therapist, this is the service industries worst nightmare-day to be working, or to be sitting on a bar stool for that matter.  st. patties day wknd in chicago.   

people who normally drink 4 bud light limes max, start to drink at 8 a.m until they are passed out in the mud...... lets not forget, too much of one color is obnoxious.  as well as pig tails and head bands with  antennas ?, Journey on the jukebox , oh, and wearing sunglasses inside.  (but that doesnt just apply to holidays)  i worked the brunch-evening shift, there was no way in hell i was going out tonight.  

drinking holidays aside, because my job forces me to be social for 8 hours at a time or more, when i clock out i can be quite a loner.     on the clock, at least my office at work provides me with plenty of social-lube...  dr. jamo.     

instead of getting in a fight with a frat boy tonight, i stayed in and started a new speed video, watched a couple netflix-nows, and checked out a bunch of artists websites and became really inspired. 

monday i go to check out a studio space!  i need a space to go nerd out, my apartment is just too small and my attention span is way too short... and im sure my roommates arent thrilled about my train wreck all over the dining room.   

im outta wine, off to bed.  i hope the st patty survivors i hear out my window dont keep me up al night.  

cheers to having red teeth instead of green.

amen

xo

last night i participated in my first live painting at Crocodile in Wicker Park... it was a great experience and look forward to being involved in more activities like that!  it goes on every monday... dj and all.  (plus good booze & pizza) come check it out and show your support!